10 THINGS I WISH I KNEW 10 YEARS AGO

 

I’ve decided to write this post because I read this post by Hannah Gale today and I decided to do my own similar post. Ten years ago I was 13, I looked exactly the same, minus three stone, and my best friends where girls who I still text now when I do something embarrassing during sex or need book recommendations. I was about a million times more insecure and obsessed with having my first kiss. So, here are the 10 things I wish I knew 10 years ago…

 

  1. I was right to live and die by my Moterolla Pebble. Honestly, I have never been happier than when I used to text boys I met on MSN and then stop texting them once I ran out of credit. I honestly don’t think I edited my dissertation with the precision that I used to edit my texts to keep them under one page long.
  2. My Morgan bag was not hot shit. I begged my mum for my Morgan school bag because I thought it was so fucking cool, but really it just hurt my shoulder and didn’t really carry all of my books. Does Morgan even still exist? I don’t have a clue, but I do know that my back still hurts when I wear a shoulder bag.
  3. I should stop calling girls ‘sluts’. As somebody who says shit like ‘intersectional feminism makes me question unpaid care work as a social norm’ I die inside every time I remember how often I used to call girls sluts. Georgia Robinson from the Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging books was a slut because she kissed boys. Girls in my year were sluts because they sat on boys knees on the bus. The only girls who weren’t sluts were me and Taylor Swift. RIP ME FOR DYING IN SHAME RIGHT NOW.
  4. My period will be a bit of a let down and it won’t look like my sisters lip tint. I got my period in the September before my 14th birthday and as far as I can remember I felt I had been waiting for 10,000 years. I had been faking cramps since I was 8 years old so I thought it was about fucking time and my sister was getting annoyed that her red lip tint was being poured down the toilet each month I ‘practiced’ having my period. I didn’t get cramps for a few years and my blood was brown and thick, which was NOT what I had practiced.
  5. My boobs are better than I imagined they would be. They are actually nothing like I imagined they would be, they’re pointier, hairier, and 50% more nipple than I ever imagined. I thought they would be very Pamela Anderson esc and that I would fill lacy bras with them, but this isn’t exactly how it has turned out. I love them more than I thought I would though, so much so that I made a plaster caste of them for my boyfriends birthday and then kept it for myself. They’re not what I’d hoped they would be but somehow they’re better.
  6. Fake tan is not a friend of the Irish. Babe, no matter what you learnt aged 6 in Irish dancing class your pale pale skin is not made for fake tan. It especially isn’t made for ONLY YOUR LEGS. Why did I put 798749737 layers of fake tan on my legs AND NOWHERE ELSE? Girl, stop it.
  7. Everyone farts. I know you died inside for a year after you farted in science and everyone heard but literally everyone in that classroom farts all day everyday. They are probably farting right now, ten years later… just like you are.
  8. Make up gets better than Maybelline Moose Foundation. Girl, you know this make up makes your face look fury and like the magnolia walls of the girl’s toilets that you’re hanging out in.
  9. Keep eating those 30p school cookies. Once you leave school you will never find cookies as good as those ones that they sell in the morning at school, so keep getting lifts into school early so that you can buy 5 because honestly I still miss them. RIP true happiness.
  10. Take science. The way you’re heading is towards humanities, a theology degree and earning next to nothing post graduation. You’re going to be so happy doing all of those things and they’re going to completely shape you but you’re going to be dirt poor and I would like that to change. Take science because I need that ££££££££££.
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