25 THOUGHTS I’VE HAD SINCE MOVING TO LONDON

POP UP SHOPS TILL I DIE

  1. Maths tells me that one months rent could buy me Pret porridge for a year and yet I’m just walking around like everything is ok.
  2. How do grownups make friends?
  3. It’s going to be really hard to explain not going to museums now.
  4. How do people get stuff done without being consumed with worry that one of Jack the Rippers ancestors still lives in London?
  5. I hate this liquid that people call ‘water’.
  6. Wow why aren’t those bikes called Sidiq Cycles?
  7. My ISA to Buy is some sort of sick joke now.
  8. I was so ungrateful of the lava when washing my hair in Manchester, IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME I WOULD NOT BE SO UNGRATEFUL.
  9. Where all my minimum wage pals at?
  10. Considering this is ‘public transport’ some tubes have me walking a lot and last time I checked this body isn’t public transport.
  11. I’m sat next to a man who is having a WhatsApp conversation where he is using LITERALLY every emoji in each message. Where the fuck am I?
  12. I could have done with the tube when I was a kid. I would not have eaten black sutty snot.
  13. Ok so markets aren’t a place to get a bargain like in the rest of the world, I must take out a loan before coming to one again. Ok, I am learning.
  14. Why are people saying they live near me but really they live 37 mins away?
  15. Reading on the tube is now my new hobby, apparently the whole of London is tits deep in the latest novel.
  16. All shops should be pop up shops.
  17. I am going to loose so much weight simply by sweating. On the tube – sweating. Walking to the shop – sweating. Sleeping – sweating. Having a bath – sweating.
  18. Why haven’t I seen Jon Snow yet? He can’t be reading the news 24/7…
  19. Honestly the last bush I saw was my vagina – I’m tired of seeking out green spaces London.
  20. Why are there so many statues of men?
  21. It costs £50 to leave my house.
  22. Does Pret own London?
  23. I weigh more in London, what’s up with that?
  24. I’m so worried there is a secretly pregnant woman on the tube who hates me because I’m not giving her my seat but I also don’t want to presume anyone is pregnant if they’re not and they’re just rocking their body.
  25. Also when is the age I have to start giving people seats? Is there a guide for this? 70?

 

 

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