I’ve been living in London for almost two months now; I’m settling in to a new pace of life, dealing with this tropical heat and deciding how I feel about selling my underwear online. I don’t usually deal with change very well, but I had not been in the city for a mere moment before people were recommending that I go to Franco Manca because I’d love it and Thomas omg you’ll love it too, Thomas honestly you will just LOVE IT.


Guy’s it’s just really good, seriously just go and check it out and let us know what you think.


We did go, and if I’m honest it was a bit shit. The base was burnt a little and the mushrooms on my pizza weren’t really cooked. I mean it was OK but it didn’t exactly change my world.

So, next time someone told us to go, I just told them that it’s not really for us and they acted like I had shot them in the face. This kept happening and on Thomas’ birthday we were going for dinner with his parents and they suggested this ‘little place’ they found called FRANCO MANCA. Thomas say’s that he isn’t really a fan and his dad said that isn’t a problem he knows somewhere else we can go. After a lovely walk down the canal and through a cute little market he tells us that we’ve arrived. We look up and see the drunken comic sans lettering, ‘FRANCO MANCA’. “I promise you, it really is lovely here.” It was at most ok.

On the way home, after saying goodbye to Thomas’ parents, I couldn’t stop wondering what everyone was seeing in this mildly ok pizzeria. Had everyone gone insane? Is the whole of London ordering an extra topping of cocaine on their pizza for between £0.50 – £1.75?

Then it hit me. Franco Manca is a motherfuckin’ cult. They don’t even try to hide it, all of the obvious signs for a cult are just out there in the open and I don’t even know how I’m the only one to see it.

Firstly, it is scientifically proven that unknowable men claiming to bring ultimate satisfaction front 969948% of cults. Does anyone even know who this Franco is? I certainly don’t and I’ve never gotten a clear answer on who the figure head is, yet I’m supposed to believe he can make all my pizza dreams (of which there are many) come true. Give me a fucking break, Franco. First it was Jim Jones with his tempting socialism, then there was the enticing free love of the Manson family and now we’re all so sad over Brexit that Franco Manca is the European dream that we’re all craving right now. I don’t want to be sued or anything but all I am saying is that Franco is on the road to muder and I think that’s pretty obvious.

Late night youtube searches have taught me that cults break down the meaning of language and create new meanings within the cult. For example, in any other itallian resturaunt I would order a Fungi or some sort of chorizo situation. In Franco Manca this is a Number 6 with added mushrooms. If you order the Chorizo Pizza they will correct you, “A Number 6?” I DON’T NEED YOUR   NEWSPEAK, FRANCO.

Also, there is VERY LIMITED CHOICE, which is a classic example of how cults will narrow down your life more and more and more. They don’t want you to have a plethora of choices, or different routes to take depending on your mood and this is the first sign that they’re making your world smaller to just 7 teeny tiny options.


This is this their logo and you cannot tell me this is anything but an attempt at hypnotism.

Lastly, they have lemonade that tastes nothing like any other lemonade I’ve ever had before, which is pretty much what I’m sure the Jones Town victims thought about that koolaid they drank.


K, see u in court.


1 Comment

  1. Laura November 9, 2017 / 11:01 am

    bahaha I loved this. Franco Manca is so overrated, and their service is always shit (based on the 1.5 times I’ve been there). All of my toppings immediately slid off my pizza and I barely enjoyed it. The “foodie” I was with was raving about the simplicity and I was like “nuh mate, give me double the toppings and a proper base to support it”.

    If you’re willing to give sourdough pizza another go, Little Napoli in Shepherds Bush is primo. Also, Pizza Pilgrims is real good and cheap.
    Basically, I’m working towards becoming a connoisseur.

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