REFLECTIONS ON CYSTITIS

I can only imagine this is when my mum first told me about cystitis and how it would plague me forever

I did stand up last Sunday and just before I went on I thought, do I want stand in front of a room full of people and pretend to be my boyfriend gagging on my pubic hair? 

Similarly, I am currently sat in my bed and thinking, do I want to write 500 or so words about a UTI that plagues me and then put it on the internet?

I say yes to both because they both concern my vagina and there is no topic I love more than my vaginé…

If you don’t know your UTIs but you know your Shakespeare… Well, in Romeo and Juliet, when Mercutio says, “A plague on both your houses.” That plague was cystitis.

If I don’t like another human I think in my head, A CYSTITIS PLAGUE ON YOUR URETHRA HOUSE! If I love another person I think, MAY YOUR URETHRA BE FREE FROM CYSTITIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS!

I’m being serious though, there is nothing worse than cystitis. Apart from ISIS. ISIS is worse than cystitis.

Where am I going with this? Ahhhh… Maybe this is where I should share some tips on how to cope with cystitis. Yes, I think that is what the people want.

Ok, well my first tip is technically stolen from my dearest friend Emilie (you know she is classy as shit because her name is spelt with an ‘ie’) but I think all good things in life are stolen. Emilie says that if you have cystitis then you have to keep your feet warm. The exact relationship between one’s urethra and their feet escapes me, but that is probably because it is science and we all know science isn’t for women.

Another tip would obviously be to drink your weight in cranberry juice. It has to be your weight exactly or it won’t work. Again, this is a tricky one for us women because it involves maths, which isn’t for women, and cranberry juice, which we all know is what the patriarchy was founded upon.

Lastly there is my personal favourite and the only one I would actually recommend as it is ideal for women brains. Self-medicate. I have a nice little stash of penicillin and I just pop them all day everyday until it goes away. It also helps to say a few hail Mary’s. This only works for Catholics though. The Virgin Mother only cares for a Catholic urethra and penicillin doesn’t work on protestants.

Ahhh I really feel like I should finish this with something quippy and wise.

Oh, duh, always pee after sex.

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